Day 77

My favorite book of all time is by Judy Blume. Actually, many of my favorite books of all time are hers, but Summer Sisters is something truly special. I think every woman should read this book, and if you love Judy Blume and haven't read it, you're cheating yourself out of a very special experience. If you have not read it, and think you might want to, stop reading this now. Bookmark it or ask me about it after you've read Summer Sisters because I do not want to take anything away from the experience.

When I was a child, in a highly dysfunctional family, I often found myself lost and isolated. I took to reading quickly and with passion. It is the first thing I remember excelling at, actually. Until then, I was the chubby little kid who seemed to annoy adults with stupid questions. It was an unexpected success to be in the top reading group of my first grade class. I quickly became a voracious reader. By second grade, my home situation had gone from bad to worse. My mother was a raging alcoholic, and my parents had been separated for several years. I shared a bed with my three year-old brother - and he had a nasty tendency to wet the bed at night. I had moved from a small town called Garwood to its much larger, affluent neighbor Cranford. Before my parents' divorce, I'd lived in Westfield, Garwood's other (even more) affluent neighbor. At 8 years-old I'd already moved about one time for each year I'd been alive.

I remember that I loved biographies. I loved books in general, but in second grade my passion was for biographies. I took out children's biographies about Washington, Lincoln, Amelia Earhart and others. I read the Lincoln biography on a rare, quiet afternoon over the course of about two hours. It was 82 pages long.

I first remember reading Judy Blume in fourth grade. The book was, not surprisingly, Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. I related to that title. I felt like a "nothing" much of the time. By this point in my life, my mother had lost custody of my brother and I, and we lived with her family... also highly dysfunctional, but certainly more stable than any other life I'd known. I loved the book. I went to the library and took out more of her books. I found Are You There God? It's me, Margaret and while I couldn't quite understand why any girl wanted to get her period, I was relieved to have read the book because, like Margaret, my head was full of confusing and often contradictory thoughts.

I discovered that Judy Blume, like me, was born in February and in New Jersey. She had several stories that took place, at least in part, in NJ. Forever, one of her young adult novels, even took place in Westfield - yes, the same Westfield I'd lived in.

I related to so many of the characters she created, and it was largely because of her books that I began to write. It first started in my head. I'd be narrating what I was doing or watching silently. I still do this, especially in situations that intimidate or amaze me.

In 1998, I'd just moved back to New Jersey after several years in the Philadelphia suburbs. I was back in Cranford, living with my mother (sober by then) and my baby sister, who was almost seven. I was at the Barnes & Noble near the daycare center I worked at when I saw Summer Sisters in the new release section. It was the first time in my life I'd bought a hard-cover book, but I had to have it. I was 22 and made lousy money in daycare. I paid rent to my mother and helped (read: took over) care for Kaitlyn, my baby sister.

I immediately related to Vix, the main character in Summer Sisters. I was, like Vix, the eldest child. I was the one who somehow managed to remain about as unscathed as one can in a family like mine. I was, at the time, desperately trying to get back into school. I'd flunked out of college the first time I tried. I was also, as always, writing frequently. In those days, I mostly wrote poetry with the occasional short story thrown in just to keep things interesting.

I'd had a friend like Caitlin Somers - Vix's "summer sister," and oldest friend. She'd stolen my boyfriend, amongst other things. She was older and beautiful and daring. She was smart, but not terribly motivated. She had a tendency to lie, as did Caitlin. Like Vix, I was never quite sure (once I'd uncovered the lies) what was true and what was just an alternative reality she'd created in her mind.

I'd also had that friend I'd tested sexual boundaries with as a younger girl. My first 'real' kiss was with her, when we she was eight and I was nine. It was in the shed behind my grandparents above ground pool. The shed was old, metal and smelled like chlorine. I remember we decided that kissing felt a lot like sucking on a marshmallow. We tried it a few times, and then years later, one night in the pool when we were teenagers, we'd share another kiss. I was reminded of that in the scene of the novel where Caitlin, in her young 20s, dances a fiery Flamenco dance for Vix alone in a hotel room, and for just a moment it is quite obvious there is a strong sexual undercurrent.

Summer Sisters has become a tradition for me. I have read it at the start of every summer since that first one in June 1998. I just picked it up today to start reading it for this summer. It's a bit early, especially now that I live in the Colorado Rocky Mountain foothills, and we just had 18 inches of snow fall last week... but it's just "time." I can't explain it. It's like this every year. Sometimes, I just need to read the book and it's still only April. When that happens, I read it again sometime in June or July. I have read this book more than any other. It is like an old friend.

Last year, due to some unique circumstances in my life, I came to believe that Caitlin was always in love with Vix. Romantically in love with her, and that this was what motivated Caitlin's behavior where Vix was concerned. I don't think Vix ever really recognized this... and for all I know Judy Blume does not believe Caitlin was "in love" with Vix. It's just my interpretation of the story, and reading it again following that revelation (last winter), things made more sense. Caitlin at one point tells Vix she always wanted what Vix had, and Vix is baffled by this. Caitlin is incredibly beautiful, rich and seemingly free. I think Caitlin wanted what Vix had in the sense that Vix was able to form real bonds with people, while Caitlin flitted about... but I also think Caitlin wanted to be with Vix because she felt no one else understood her the way Vix did, and as we all know, that feeling is priceless. The safety that comes with being loved that way is something no one should ever take for granted, and though Caitlin does at times take it for granted, I also think she realized how rare and precious the gift of acceptance she got from Vix was.

I will always cry at the end. Vix is married, with a six month-old baby named for the little brother she lost as a teenager. They are in a wild flower field on Martha's Vineyard (where much of the book takes place), and they are dedicating it to Caitlin's memory. She has vanished while boating in Italy, and Vix, as the last to have seen her, is inconsolable. I sob hysterically every time I get to this point of the story. I have read the book enough times to have literally memorized sentences, and I think them before I read them.

Every year, I think... wow, I wish I could write like this. I try to come up with a story, and though I have plenty, I am me. I'm not Judy Blume, and though I'd love to emulate her style, I can only really ever be myself. I wrote a romance novel (that of course I can't find an agent for, haha) about seven years ago. Even though it is unlikely to ever get published, just having that opportunity to write "The End" after about 350 pages was thrilling. Though not like the stories I'd read by Judy Blume, I know I owe part of that achievement to her influence in my life as a reader. I think that, even for a romance novel, the characters are authentic and have a "voice" of their own, and that is something I learned from reading books like Blubber, or Deenie.

I have no intentions of giving up on the dream of being a "published (and paid)" writer. In fact, I told my husband a few weeks ago that I have a new goal. I want to be published and paid for something I have written by the time I am 45. I have eleven years to accomplish that goal, and I certainly hope it will be a novel that I publish. I am in graduate school to be a high school English teacher, and part of the appeal is that I get to teach what I love - and I get summers off to pursue my dream of being on the library bookshelves someday.

So, as I sat down to start my annual journey with Vix and Caitlin, I remembered this goal. I will keep it firmly in mind as I continue to read my favorite story for probably the 22nd time. I will live vicariously through Vix for a few days (I like to savor the book), and I will keep her, and other characters created by Blume, in mind as I consider what I want to write next. I'll keep a box of tissues handy, not only for the end, but also for the point in the novel where Vix realizes she has found the man of her dreams. Through her thoughts, we learn that she realizes the others were just "practice." She knows she won't get bored with this man, and she says she won't allow him to be bored with her. I cry when I read that, because I found that with my husband, whom I met about six months after reading Summer Sisters for the first time.

About five years ago, I emailed Judy Blume to share with her how influential this book has been in my life. She emailed me back and talked about what she believed happened to Caitlin. It was so cool of her to do that, and I loved that she thinks about it as a "what might have happened," as opposed to a certainty about what happened to this character she created. Caitlin is a mysterious character. She is the only main character whose thoughts we never hear, and it seemed appropriate, somehow, that even her creator wasn't quite sure what happened to her in the end.

I still read that same hardcover version I bought nearly 12 years ago. I hope to be reading the same copy in another 12 years... and to be celebrating my own success as an author.