Day Sixteen

Insecurity is a malicious beast. It feeds off self-perpetuating beliefs. It makes you do incredibly stupid things that hurt the people you love, the people who love you...

I fear loss. I fear abandonment. I sometimes don't feel worthy of the love I have in my life. I sometimes think I am not good enough.

The problem is, when you combine those fears and feelings of worthlessness with insecurity, you do seriously fucked up shit. Sometimes, you do stuff that makes you wonder if you aren't trying to prove to yourself that you're not worth it... that you don't deserve it. Sometimes, you do stuff that betrays the trust and faith people have put in you.

You can't fix it. You can't undo it. What has been done is done... and now you have to hope like hell that somehow they'll forgive what is really unforgivable. You have to hope like hell that they will learn to trust you again... and yet you understand why they may not.

At the end of the day, there is nothing you can do. You're powerless.

Trust is like fine crystal. It is emotionally expensive and very fragile. Once it's broken, it can be damn near impossible to repair.

Now you wait. You wait and hope they love you enough to realize you've made a mistake you won't repeat. You hope they love you more than you deserve... because after what you've done, you actually don't deserve as much as they've given you. After what you've done, you don't deserve trust.

You know all of this. You will suffer alone while he thinks. You will suffer alone while you wait. It is part of the consequences of your actions, and you know that it is your own fault... and it hurts. You hurt knowing how badly you've hurt them. You hurt knowing that you've broken his heart. You hurt like hell and deserve to feel every ounce of remorse and self-loathing.

There are mistakes and there are mistakes. This is the latter of the two sort.

So, you sit and wait... and hope to be whole again, knowing you may never again be complete, knowing you may have irreparably broken the most important thing in your life.