Day 63

It sort of all started with a song. Two songs, actually. One was silly and fun, but the other one... well, it was raw and emotional and uncertain.

Here are the lyrics to that song:

Rhiannon

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
and wouldn't you love to love her?
Takes to the sky like a bird in flight
and who will be her lover?
All your life you've never seen
woman, taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Will you ever win?
She is like a cat in the dark
and then she is the darkness
she rules her life like a fine skylark
and when the sky is starless
All your life you've never seen
woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
will you ever win?
Will you ever win?
Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon
She rings like a bell through the night
and wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
and who will be her lover?
All your life you've never seen
woman taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven?
will you ever win?
Will you ever win?
Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Oooooh
Taken by
Taken by the sky
Taken by
Taken by the sky
Taken by
Taken by the sky
Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind
Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind

Fleetwood Mac

I will never forget driving to Arizona with my husband to meet her for the first time. We had a CD of "our songs," and there were already 12 of them by then. Rhiannon was the first song on that CD. He looked and me and said that maybe we would get to be her lovers...

Not very many days later, we had a question to ask her... she made me wait for an answer. That night, he looked at me and said, we won, baby.

Now, not quite a year later, we've lost her to the sky. Our dreams did unwind. If she promised me heaven, I'd never want to leave... but she's in no position to make promises, and so I know I had to let go. The finality of it is sometimes overwhelming. Today was better... quite a bit better, for reasons that have to do with him, of course. He is the light in this darkness I'm wandering through. I know if I follow, I will be just fine... nothing heals me like his love. But I digress...

Tonight we watched American Idol. Didi Benami is probably my favorite contestant, though she's not the most talented (which is impressive, because she's damn good). They said she was doing Fleetwood Mac and before the music started, I knew. I just knew it would be Rhiannon. It was a powerful, poignant, original performance... and I sobbed through most of it. It's the first time I've heard the song since it ended, and as he immediately reached for my hand after she sang the first note, I said to him, "we didn't win."

This is not entirely true, though. Yes, we lost her... and the enormity of that loss, for me, hasn't even really begun to sink in. Yet, when I look back at this year with her, I smile... I cry, too... but there were some amazing moments. Like that first night, when I slept between them, only I barely slept because I was completely in awe of the sensation of being literally surrounded by love. I laid there most of the night, wide awake... with a smile on my face and thoughts of disbelief in my head. There were times when I was sure it was all just an amazing dream.

I am lucky, really... because I found out that I have some seriously amazing and cool friends when I first shared my secret on facebook. It's not the sort of thing that always goes over well. Not only was I revealing to most of them for the first time the fact that I am bisexual... I was also sharing the story of how my husband and I fell in love with this remarkable woman, and how we were opening our hearts - and our marriage - for her. We knew fully well the risk we were taking, but we believed our marriage strong enough to survive that.

We didn't just survive, though... we had our ups and downs, but ultimately, we flourished. Our love became so much more than it ever could've without having shared it with her. At the end of that year, and the end of our romantic relationship with her, he and I both agree that our marriage has never been stronger, and that we love each other so much more than we did a year ago.

In her arms, I experienced things I never imagined possible... not just the physical intimacy, but an emotional intimacy unlike anything I shared before - because I'd never before been in love with a woman. I am taller than her, and somehow that made me feel protective, like I needed to hold her more gently. This particular feeling I find especially hard to translate into words... nothing can quite capture it, but to experience it, I suppose. I have always been protective of my husband, I will defend him if I feel the need, but he doesn't require it. He's quite capable of defending himself. K, though... she is fragile, and raw and beautiful in ways she can't even see. And so I held her gently, but fiercely and I called her my princess... and I lived in a very unusual, but truly amazing fairy tale for a brief moment of time.

So, to say that I (we) lost? That doesn't seem quite fair. What I lost cannot be found again, but what I gained... no one can ever take that away from me, away from either of us. And perhaps it is this sort of thinking that is responsible for my least tearful day since the break... perhaps this is the sort of thinking one does when coming to terms with the finality of a painful decision.

This decision wasn't as simple as "right" or "wrong." It was - for me - the only decision to make. I love both of them far too much to risk causing them anymore hurt than they already had to endure. I wanted to be selfish... but I couldn't be, not in this moment.

I will always love her, and as I've said to her, she will forever be the princess of my heart...

But I live with the King of my heart, and I am loved deeply, and truly by the most amazing man I've ever known - loved more than I would've been without her. So, in the end... I've won. No, not what I'd expected or hoped for, but something unparalleled, something uncomparable.

I am loved, and I am lucky.