Day 65

There are times when the frustration and hurt overwhelm me. I want to say to her, "how could you screw this up so badly?" I know, though, that for all the times I want to ask her that, she's asking herself that doubly so. I know, as hurt as I am and as hard as this is, she's lost us both. I still have him, and he has me - and it will always be this way.

But she is everywhere I look. I find things I bought in world for her and I to share - things we never got to share. Poses, mostly... which means nothing to anyone unfamiliar with the virtual world I live in part of the time. But in that world I am a photographer, and so I buy poses. Most of them are maternity poses (and for those of you reading on facebook, I may put one of these virtual pictures up, so you better understand).

Every time I find one of these things, my heart breaks a little bit more. Just when I think the crushing, aching, scorching pain of "the end" is over, something pops up to make me realize we're not there yet. We still have a lot of her stuff at our house... we're taking it to her soon, but I see it and it half makes me happy that it's still here, that part of her remains. Mostly, though, it's just a brutal reminder of what wasn't meant to be after all.

I have started to believe I will always be in love with her. She's made major mistakes, things that would be nearly impossible to move beyond, and yet I love her anyway. Love is like that... and yet, there comes a time when you have to let go, when self-preservation kicks in. This isn't why the relationship she and I shared ended, but it likely would've ultimately come to that point, and maybe, if I'd let it go that far, it would've been irreparable. Maybe any relationship would've been impossible. Sometimes I wonder if that would've been easier.

I am not polyamorous by nature. I shared my life and my love with her because she just happened... the odds of three people all loving each other are magnificently slim, especially when two of those three people have been together over ten years. And yet, exactly a year ago this time, we were both falling for her, and she for us.

I can't lie and say there haven't been moments when I've thought... if I could go back and do it again, walk away before it became too involved, would I? I even admit that there are times I have thought I would walk away... but not for long. I am not the "walk away" type. I want to experience life. I did too much hiding from it, too much fearing it, as a child. So, when love blossomed amongst the three of us, I fought for it. He told me it couldn't work in the real world, and I simply asked, "why not?" He didn't have an answer. It was a profound moment, and I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. It was a simple question that changed everything.

This didn't fail because of the three person dynamic. Oh, believe me... it's hard. It's much, much harder than a two person relationship. There are four relationships when you have three. One between each couple formed and one between all three... and each need to be nurtured and cherished. Each need to be special and celebrated. Was I ever jealous? Yeah, of course I was. Was I insecure? Oh, yeah... but I was also willing to battle those emotions because it was so worth it... the love made it worth it. Knowing these two people loved me and would give me the time to work through my issues, and that they'd be there to help me each step of the way is what made the difference.

I definitely made mistakes. All of us did... there's a learning curve, and while she'd done the triad thing before, he and I hadn't. It wasn't always easy, and there were moments when the two of them did nothing wrong, and yet I was deeply hurt. I am who I am... I accept this, and even though I was hurt, I never blamed either of them for that hurt. That was on me. It was my own issue to deal with and accept... and sometimes that simply meant accepting the hurt, and letting myself feel it. I can name a few specific incidents, but they're private, and I share so much of myself already that I am keeping them for me.

I think of these moments sometimes. I admit to feeling a sense of relief that it didn't end because of me - there was a time when it seemed it might, where it seemed maybe I couldn't battle the issues I needed to. It turned out, though, that part of it was being fueled by a medication intended to treat the fibromyalgia pain I suffer from daily. The bitter irony is that the drug was making me crazy - and it's also the only medication that helped the pain. It wasn't worth the emotional trauma it was causing me and those I love, so I went off the medication. That was a pivotal moment, a turning point for me. It was not long after that when I realized I could make it work... I could get through my issues and build a relationship with her.

She's so fragile... and yet, she's also stronger than she realizes, I think. She's been through so much, and to have survived it all is remarkable. It is not surprising that it has left her with some wounds to heal... and as much as I wanted to be the balm that soothed those wounds, I couldn't be. Nor could he. Only she can take the necessary steps to do that, and I hope she does... and I know she wants to.

So, when the anger washes in on a wave of hurt, I remind myself that she is the one who has to figure it all out. Me? I just have to let go... easier said than done, mind you. I need to feel what I am feeling, and I have to learn to be just her friend and not her lover. This isn't an easy transition for either of us, and it's sometimes emotional and I've been unfair at times. When I am hurting, my instinct can be to lash out or to retreat. Sometimes, I imagine, it feels like I'm doing both. I never mean to hurt her, but it happens... and I imagine it will be like that for a while as we shift from being two people in love with each other to two people who love each other and have a solid friendship. I admit to fearing that it's not possible, but I won't give up easily. I know she needs friends right now, maybe especially ones who know her - really know her. I don't want to abandon her, and I don't want to lose her presence in my life entirely. I've already lost so much I will never have back.

Before she first came to Colorado last April, we bought a king sized bed. Our queen was moved downstairs to the guest room, where she spent her final weeks living with us. Maybe it's partly because it was bought with her in mind that I find it so vast now that she is gone. Before she was a part of our lives, I never cared for sleeping in a king when we traveled. Probably because he and I were both "edge" sleepers, and in a king sized bed, this meant we were never anywhere near each other. I always felt kind of lonely in a king, despite being able to reach over and touch him, despite hearing him breathing as he slept. When she entered our lives, I became the "middle" sleeper. He only slept there on weekends, and sometimes not even then. He didn't sleep well in the middle, and she couldn't sleep in the middle for various reasons. So, the middle was my spot, at least five nights a week for six months. I don't think it is surprising that I find her absence so noticeable, even though it's been four months since she stopped sleeping with us regularly, and nearly two months since the final time she spent a night with us. I wonder if I will always miss her, and suspect that on some level, I will... even if it dissipates with time. I will miss, at the very least, all that could've been...

So, I curl up to him... I breathe in his scent, which I love. That smell that is uniquely his... earthy and masculine. A combination of his own natural body chemistry and deodorant, that for eleven years has soothed my shattered nerves. He takes my hand, often while he's asleep, and holds it tightly to his chest... or he wraps around me and holds me fiercely to him, and I feel safe and loved and warm.

For now she sleeps alone, and while she says she doesn't even think about that changing, someday it will. It sometimes makes me feel frustrated, to know that someday she will move on with another woman or man or couple. She will love again - and I want that for her. But I don't think she can see right now that even though she doesn't currently want this, it is something that is a gift. It is something that will allow her to move on in a way I will never get to - or want to. She was a fluke, a flash of lightning... the flutter of butterfly wings. I'd never put myself in a situation again to wind up in a triad. It isn't something that I wanted before her, and without her, after her? I definitely don't want it again.

So, I bask in the knowledge that he is fully mine again... and yes, there is some pain that is assuaged by this realization. Still... if everything were right for her, and it could work - and I knew that were the case? I'd want to do it again. Only with her. But there are no guarantees in life, and she is a long way from being ready to try again - with us or anyone. Time will heal my heart, and his love will make that happen far faster than it otherwise would. I will always miss her, and it will always make me sad when I reflect on what could've been, but with the passage of time, I know that I will dwell far less on that, and remember instead what good we did share. I will remember the beauty, and not the pain... and remembering the beauty will make me smile, instead of making me cry.

I didn't get enough time with her... I'm not sure there could've been "enough," as I know there can't be for him and I. I simply know that the one year we had wasn't enough, and for now, it saddens me. Someday, I will move on from the memories. Someday they won't be soaked with sorrow.

For now I take it as it comes. I channel the emotions into creative work, be it writing or online art and photography. I talk a lot with a dear friend who has also recently gone through a heart-wrenching breakup. We text each other during the day to cheer each other on... and we try to get through each day without tears, which more often than not, for now, I do not manage to succeed in. I had two days in a row last week, though... so it IS getting easier, if still far from easy.

We always told her that "we" didn't need her. We wanted her in our lives, and we wanted to share our love with her... but she wasn't filling some void, she wasn't a desperate means to salvage a failing relationship. It wasn't about exploring our sexual boundaries, even... at the core, it was about love. We wanted to give her the love we had for her, and we wanted the love she had for us.

As much as I miss her, as much as I love her still, I know I do not "need" her. He is the air I breathe. Maybe this is because of the time we've shared, though I believe it's not quite that simple. I cannot fathom life without him, and hope I never, ever have to. He is every corny movie cliche you can think of... he completes me and is my one true thing. I know I can count on him to be loyal, honest and devoted. I know he will love me more with each passing day, just as I will love him more. I believe, that even without her, we'd have gotten to the depths of the love we share today... it would've taken longer, and she gave us the chance to see our love from a unique perspective we otherwise wouldn't have experienced. But we were whole and complete before her, and we are whole and complete now that she has left our love.

I remember this when I feel that anger wash over me. I remember the gifts she gave us, and I remember that as important as she has been to me - to us - we are whole without her, and we have all the love we had before. What we have is something no one could replace, and she never tried to diminish what he and I share. She never wanted to take anything away from us... and although you could say she took herself away from us, that doesn't subtract anything from the equation he and I share. We are what we were before, only better.

So, I hold on to this when the emotions overwhelm me. I know I have an anchor, and I will not be swept away. I do not rant or rage at her like I sometimes want to... and I try very hard to not overwhelm her with my grief - which is exactly what this is right now. I am mourning the loss of something beautiful that I expected to have always, and to deny the grief would get me nowhere. All the same, I don't want to overwhelm either of them with it, and so I try very hard to balance my emotions. It's not always easy, and I sometimes falter, or outright fail to keep myself in check... but I know they love me anyway, and simply want me to be happy, and I know that because of that, I ultimately will be.