Day 70

I can finally say I am no longer in love with her. Maybe it took learning she's just not even remotely the person I thought she was. I'm pretty sure she's not the person she thought she was, or thought she wanted to be, either. She is a chameleon. She changes her colors to suit her environment. What she thinks is needed or wanted is what she automatically does, I think without realizing that she is sacrificing her own wants, needs and desires to try to fit into someone else's life or lives.

I'm angry, though. I was who I am with her. I wasn't perfect, and I made mistakes. But I owned my mistakes. Now, she gets to be the person she was when we met her, the one she said she didn't want to be anymore (because she thought that's what we wanted to hear)... and I get to hurt and wonder why? She is playing games. She's 40 years old, nearly 41. I was talking to a friend about her and from what I said, they thought she was young and misguided. I said she is - emotionally speaking. It often felt more like we were her parents than her partners.

I'm past the point where I cry because I miss her. I feel like the person I miss never existed, so why bother crying? But I feel betrayed and hurt... and stupid. I imagine those feelings will linger for some time yet.

I remember her telling me once that if we broke up it would be "months" before she'd be able to move on, but I also know for a fact that she's already moved on. Which is fine, I suppose... I have no right to her anymore and she's single. But it's still a slap in the face. It makes me think what we had was a castle built of sand - something that washes away as easily as it was built, and as completely as if it never existed in the first place.
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But it was real for me. I know this. I know that she can't take that away from me... no matter what.

So, through the anger and frustration, I cling to that reality - because it's the only one I know for sure existed.