day 46

removed for personal reasons

Day 45

When love is real, it will set you free, trusting you will return what you've been given, but knowing that if you can't, your happiness matters more than a broken heart.

Day 44

It is Christmas night. I am about to watch The Santa Clause with my husband and our girlfriend. Given all that's happened in the past few weeks, it's amazing that this day has been so wonderful.

We broke up with her and she moved out... but then we realized how much we still loved her, and she us. She's made mistakes, but none of us are perfect. She's come such a long way, too... and how can I walk away from love just because of a mistake? So, we've taken a step back... she's our girlfriend and we're dating. Maybe someday, hopefully someday, we'll have a commitment ceremony and she will move back in. For now, we take it as it comes.

Back to Christmas... as a child I dreamed of Christmases spent with someone I loved. Once I hit my teens, this dream grew into a fairytale fantasy of cuddling by a fireplace or under the glittery lights of the Christmas tree. There was snow on the ground... and mountains I could see when I looked out the window.

My childhood was never pleasant. I liked Christmas because for the most part, our incredibly dysfunctional family pretended to get along for about 36 hours. Christmas was an escape from the day-to-day reality of having a drug addict for a mother and a self-absorbed asshole for a father. It was an escape from an aunt who loved nothing more than to be vindictive and malicious and manipulative.

Christmas was my fairytale day... even the worst Christmases, I can usually pick a happy moment from. I'm a dreamer. It's not hard to find a silver lining for me, most of the time.

So, here we are... Christmas 2009. This is my 11th Christmas with him, and our first with her - one we thought we wouldn't have, or at least we thought it wouldn't be one we celebrated happily because of the breakup (we weren't letting her spend Christmas alone, regardless). We had a great Christmas dinner - in fact, he said it was the "best meal" I've ever made. I made breakfast and built a fire. There is snow on the ground, and the mountains of my dreams are right outside my window... bigger and more beautiful than I ever imagined them.

I never imagined a husband and a girlfriend in that fantasy of mine. Oh, the attraction to women wasn't unknown to me. I just expected to be conventional, which, in retrospect, was pretty silly. I'm far from conventional. I never imagined I'd be loved in such a way by not one, but two people I utterly adore. I never dreamed I'd be in Colorado, the place that is simply the home of my heart... the place I feel I belong more than any other, except in their arms.

I expected this Christmas to be brutally hard. I've been sad leading up to the season because it is the first Christmas where I've accepted the end of the dream of becoming a mother. My teenage sister, who is pregnant, just decided she doesn't think I am family, and she's been fed bullshit about my husband - a man who has been nothing but amazing to her - and she decided to put him down. She told me I was just jealous of her because she can get pregnant and I can't. She was like my daughter for so long... and now she's just gone from my life because she has been so twisted by our fucked up family that she is no longer the child I once knew.

But it doesn't matter... I am not sad. I am exquisitely happy, in fact. I have spent the day without any decorations or holiday music. We watched Elf last night... and I'm going now to hold hands with the woman I love while we watch The Santa Clause. Tonight I will sleep sandwiched between the two I love, the two who mean more to me than anything in the world.

What more of a gift could I possibly ask for or dream of?

My teenage fantasies have nothing on the reality of this day. I am left so overwhelmed and overjoyed that words cannot possibly express how I feel right now, despite my efforts here.

I am loved and lucky beyond compare... and I hope this is just the first of many Christmases like this.

Day 43

My heart is light
but full of love
I dance below the starry sky
A moment memorized
captured forever in a photograph
that cannot do it justice

I am theirs
and they are mine
Whether forever or for a moment
I will savor
What I am given
I will take what I am offered

Asking few questions
Living in the moment, as it is all there is
I take away from each minute spent
with them, in their arms
A part of myself that is fulfilled
In ways I dared not dream

I take a chance to love
as completely as possible
to be loved wholly
not for who I could be
but for who I am right now

So I give wholly of myself
this moment is theirs
to cherish with me forever
I hold little back and release my fears
surrender them to the winter wind
that blows softly around me

I love them
Never must forget they love me
And simply want to see me smile

Day 42

I have not seen her since around 1:00 on Saturday. Almost 48 hours. I haven't gone this long without seeing her since May. Her absence is palpable. It is a weight on my chest that does not seem to lessen, but rather increases with the passing hours since our final hug goodbye.

How can a decision that was right feel so utterly and completely wrong? How can I know that to be with her now would be a mistake - for all of us - when to not be with her feels like the worst thing ever to happen? When did love become an oxymoron?

I have never been the grounded one. I dream as much as one can while still existing in the real world. I'm the emotional one. I am rarely the purely rational one. I am rarely the one to see things so clearly, and know the decision to be made. I work through these things, but it is almost always a challenge for my creative, passionate, emotional mind to take that turn to rational, clear headed and logical. I am in the logical role for the first time, and it's utterly illogical. My feet are as firmly planted on the ground as they can be, and I long for the clouds. I do not want to be pragmatic. I do not want to be "right." I do not want to limited by rational thought.

I want to let the happiest memories cloud my judgment. I want to soar into love blindly, and forget that it isn't the right choice. It feels so right... the love. Being apart is what is wrong. So my irrational mind, clouded by loss and aching with love tells me.

To love someone so much you must let go is a cruel reality. It does not feel kind or fair or just. It feels cruel and cold and vicious. It is not the first time I've lived through letting go of someone I loved. The last time, though, we came back together... and are together still, ten years later. It was right to let him go, just as it is right to let her go.

I never forget the stupid Scholastic Book Club poster that hung in my elementary school's office. There was a baby deer and the cliched quote, "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be."

I know there's no coming back this time, and yet this reality is not one I want to live in. I am struck by two other quotes.

"Love the life you have, not the one you want." ~Unknown

I love the life I have... I love Colorado. I love my adorable dogs. I love my amazing husband and the bond that we share that defies explanation. I am trying to remember all of these things as I mourn the loss of the only woman I've ever loved.

"You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if you are not a part of that happiness."
~Unknown

I do want her to be happy. I hope she is able to find what she needs. I know she is hurting now, though I do not pretend to know what her pain feels like. I just want something good to come from this freedom we've given her.

I love her. I believe I will forever, on some level. The six months during which she was mine (ours) will be etched forever on my psyche. She is an amazing person... and I want her to believe that, to see that.

I dream of her. I dream of her free and happy and whole... and hope she realizes her own dreams.

Day 41

What could've been...

It is our last night living together, and she's moving out tomorrow. She spent last night sleeping in my arms, and will spend tonight sleeping in his. We're not saying goodbye, and we know this isn't forever... we hope with all our hearts that within a few short months, we can start "dating," whatever that looks like with your ex-live-in-girlfriend you share with your husband. The hope is that somewhere down the road, maybe in 18 months, maybe sooner, we can all live together again. When that happens, if that happens (and oh, how we hold tightly to the "when" and try desperately to ignore the "if"), we'll know it's forever. We'll know we've worked out what needed to be worked out. We'll know it's right for her, and she'll know we're who she needs and wants to be with for the rest of her life.

We play a game, watch a movie... we spend every minute of this last day together. We are sad, but we go to bed with hopeful hearts... we kiss, we cuddle. We love. We share our tears and sorrow, but believe it's only transient... it's just a part of our journey together, and the time apart is necessary to get to the "rest of our lives."

We close our eyes, as she and I hold hands and envelop him in a hug. We fall asleep with heavy hearts, but like Pandora's box, there is hope mixed in with our sorrows and saddness.

What is...

He and I slept together last night, as she slept alone in the room below ours. We go shopping together, leaving her home - for the final time ever - to pack alone. At the stores, everything is a heartbreak. I see a gingerbreak house at Costco... and I almost burst into tears. She doesn't even know I'd planned to buy that kit to make with her before Christmas. It was something I'd been planning to surprise her with, but that chance slipped away. Even after the (temporary, or so we hoped) breakup, I was going to surprise her with one on Christmas Day. I wanted to make that and watch Elf, which she has never seen, and even he loves. I wanted to share a tradition and start one with her, because even after November 25th, I believed we'd have Christmases together, as Us.

At PetSmart, I saw stuffed Christmas giraffes. At Costco, I saw a toy safari with a giraffe. I remember feeding them with her, not so terribly long ago, and I wanted to cry.

In the car, songs that made us think of her - or songs that were ours - taunted us. We'd turn the radio on, desperate for a distraction, only to turn it off again when James Otto's voice reminded us that "after all the love we've made, it sure would be a shame if we let this moment end so soon." Ironic that it was one of her songs to us, and now it's ending and we aren't the ones who let it end.

We struggle not to cry, and sometimes lose the battle. She is everywhere, it seems, even as she sits packing her stuff to leave our home, the one we've shared with her for over six months.

We alternate between intense saddness, not just for ourselves, but for her... and extreme frustration and anger. Why? What did we do wrong? We remind each other we didn't do anything wrong... we gave her every chance possible. We broke up with the door wide open, and she turned around and slammed it shut while our fingers were still in the doorway. With how awful it hurts, it doesn't seem possible that we did nothing wrong. There must be something we're missing, something we failed to give her that she needed... except we gave her all of ourselves. As much as we give each other... we were honest and loyal and devoted and we loved her in the same way we love each other. We didn't have the history with her, but the kind of love we felt (and feel still, unfortunately) for her is the same kind of love we've felt for one another for nearly eleven years.

I ask myself why... it's so incredibly stupid, and what slammed that door shut was something that wouldn't have been a blip on the radar. We'd have been just fine with the true story. She just didn't give it to us. Does she feel unworthy? Was it an escape hatch? Maybe she didn't want the hope we were offering, and she was letting us go in the only way she knew how. Perhaps she realized she didn't actually love us, and was trying to spare us that reality in the only way she thought possible. Of course, if that was the case, it didn't spare us anything... because once again, for us the truth is always easiest to handle.

So, here we are... her last day with us. She will go to sleep alone, one final time, downstairs. We will hold tightly to each other up here. We know it's the last night.

I can barely handle being in the same room as her right now. It hurts too much. I see her and realize she's going away tomorrow... and that's it. It's over. Even if we manage to maintain a friendship, what we've had for nine months is gone. All tossed aside over some stupid white lies... just one too many. Trust is fragile when not nourished, and when abused it will shatter like crystal. It can not be repaired once that happens. The pieces left behind are too broken to ever be pieced together again.

And so this is the last night... the last night of something we wanted, dreamed and hoped would be forever, just as what we've shared is forever. It's a detour on our path together, and not a destination.

I question the veracity of all of it, and yet if it was all a lie, it started as such a beautiful one... and so I cling to that, to the beauty amidst the questions, amidst the doubts. I remember that first night in Phoenix, when I slept in the middle... only I couldn't believe how amazing I felt, and I barely slept because I didn't want to give a moment of the happiness up to sleep. I barely slept for fear I'd wake up to find it all a dream...

And oh, what a dream it was...

So, he will take her to her new home tomorrow. He will help her move her stuff inside. He will get into the car and come home to me... and he and I will get back to the route we were on last February 27th. We will never be the same. We love each other more... we appreciate the magic of what we share more. I see what his love looks like from outside the circle of it. I know exactly what she threw away, and I just can't fathom how she could let him go...

I love her still, despite the anger and saddness. I worry about her ability to take care of herself... and then I remember that it's not my right to take care of her now. I don't get to ask where she is or what she's doing. She took all my rights away last Saturday night.

"But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough."
~Patti Smyth

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance"
~Garth Brooks

Day 40

I love Pandora. I don't know what I did before I had it. I usually listen to the Sara Bareilles station. So, that's what I have on. I hear first this song (which I like, but is highly repetitive, so I didn't post all of it, just the critical parts). 

("Be Okay" by Ingrid Michaelson) 

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

(There's a line "I just wanna feel today," which I left out because I'd actually prefer some numbness today.)

That song is followed by The Wreckers "Leave The Pieces." Relevant bits below. 

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

And I think, omg... how does Pandora know I'm going through a breakup? And this is the worst breakup of my life. Worse even than the ones I had with my husband early on, because he and knew we'd wind up together. Saying goodbye to her, I know is forever. We'll try to be friends. I just don't know how long that lasts, or what that looks like. I've never really been friends successfully with an ex.

In romantic relationships, you open doors that stay closed to friends. You take down walls you can never truly rebuild. Boundaries are penetrated that don't allow for a return to Before. However, this relationship has defied all the "rules," so who knows? When she meets someone new, I don't think I'll be able to handle it. We'll see, I guess.

So, as I'm sitting here with tears streaming down myself (because I was already sorting pictures of her and putting them in a folder that's not so easily accessible... call it the "Dean Box (Gilmore Girls)" on my hard drive. My emotions run the gamut, and mingle in ways emotions never should. It's an odd sensation, yet not one I'm unfamiliar with, seeing as how I tend to be this way.

I'm "sun and rain." I'm "fire and ice." This side of me "needs no explanation" because "it all makes perfect sense."  Apparently, I am good at being "on both sides of the fence."

Colbie Caillat comes on Pandora. She's singing "Got Me." 

I suddenly realize that I will be just fine. I will hurt. I will rage. I will continue to feel fire and ice where this breakup is concerned. But I am with him, and forever will be... until the end of time (ours). I listen to "Got Me," which I'd never heard before, and realize that in some ways it chronicles my relationship with my husband.

You're stuck on me and my laughing eyes
I can't pretend though I try to hide - I like you
I like you.

I think I felt my heart skip a beat
I'm standing here and I can hardly breathe - you got me
You got me.

The way you take my hand is just so sweet
And that crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet

Oh, I just can't get enough
I'm a stoup I need to fill me up.
It feels so good it must be love
It's everything that I've been dreaming of.
I give up. I give in. I let go. Lets begin.
Cuz no matter what I do,
Oh (oh) my heart is filled with you.

I can't imagine what it'd be like
Livin everyday in this life - without you.
Without you.
One look from you I know you understand
This mess we're in you know is just so out of hand.

Oh, I just can't get enough
I'm a stoup I need to fill me up.
It feels so good it must be love
It's everything that I've been dreaming of.
I give up. I give in. I let go. Lets begin.
Cuz no matter what I do,

Oh, I just can't get enough
I'm a stoup I need to fill me up.
It feels so good it must be love
It's everything that I've been dreaming of.
I give up. I give in. I let go. Lets begin.
Cuz no matter what I do,
Oh (oh) my heart is filled with you.

Oh (oh)
You got me. You got me.
Oh (oh)
You got me. You got me.

From the beginning when I (we) both tried to fight something bigger than either of us, until the point at which we realized that we were meant to be... and he does have me. He will always, just as I know I will always have him. 

I've been fond of saying that as long as I have him in my life, I can never be truly unhappy. This doesn't mitigate the loss of her, or take away anything from what I shared with her, what we shared with her... but what it does do is make me recognize that once the pieces are left behind, I can clean them up just fine. I don't have to do it alone, either. I have this amazing man who loves me and who understands (all too well) what I am going through, and we can hold tightly to one another as we put this chapter of our lives in the past... and we can look back on the good parts, and someday, given time, maybe those will be all we look back on. At some point, maybe it won't hurt quite so badly. 

Even if it does, even if it hurts forever, I can't be unhappy. It was an experience I shared with the most important person in my life. He and I took this unconventional, unexpected and frequently beautiful journey together - and anywhere I go with him is right. 

"Love is never wrong. Whether it's for the moment, or forever... but you can't get to forever without taking the moment." ~ Nora Roberts, Bed Of Roses

Day 39

Morning is a whisper on his breath
Warm against my neck
I stir beneath his touch

Fingers tangle in my hair
A sleepy seduction of hazy longing
As minutes pass like hours

The wind cries beyond window panes
As we awaken into one another
In the dusky winter light

Day 38

Dear Mother Nature,

Hi. Listen, about the weather... yes, I know I live at 9,000 feet. I recognize that it is December in the Rockies. I expect cold days, even especially cold days. However, it's been over a week now. Over a week where Every. Single. Day. has been below zero at some point is ridiculous. It is eight below. EIGHT. That is very cold. VERY. Do you hear me? It's really fucking cold!

I do not live in Minnesota or Alaska. I am not saying either of these places are bad places to live... but they expect it to be fucking cold. In Colorado, winter goes like this. We get snow. It melts in a day or less because it's sunny and reasonably warm during the day. At night, it may be very cold, but not usually below ZERO.

Look, I don't know if you've heard about this thing called global warming, but uh... IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLD. Damn it.

My poor dogs go outside and their little feet are so cold they come in limping with ice balls stuck to their little feet from the snow that can't MELT BECAUSE IT IS SO DAMN COLD!!!!

I'm sure you're very busy and all (see the aforementioned global warming thing), but when you get around to it (SOON), please give us some nice, warm weather. I'm not talking crazy warm... I'll settle for the freakin' forties by day.

Okay. That's all. Thanks.

~J.W.

Day 37

All For Believing (Missy Higgins)

Pull back the shield between us, and I’ll kiss you,
Drop your defences and come, into my arms.
I’m all for believing, I’m all for believing.

I’m all for believing if you can reveal the true colours within.

I know you blanket your mind so much that I am blind, but I, I see you’ve painted your soul into your guard,
I’m all for believing, I’m all for believing

I need to know just how you feel, to comfort you; I need to find the key to let me in, into your heart, to find your soul.

Pull back the shield between us, and I’ll kiss you,
Drop your defences and come, into my arms.


I’m all for believing, if you can reveal, the true colours within,
And say you will be there for me to hold, when the faith grows old and life turns cold, when the faith grows old, and life turns cold.
So if you’re cold I will stay, maybe fate will guide the way. I believe in what I see and baby we were meant to be,
Just believe. (we're meant to be)
Just believe. (we're meant to be)
Just believe. (we're meant to be)
Trust in me.


The anger comes in waves that bring with them tears of sorrow and loss. Lies, stupid, inconsequential lies... except not inconsequential because they tainted everything. Memories wrapped in sweetness and questions. Answers are scarce. Love could've been enough... but wasn't. Trust wasn't there, and not in the way I thought mattered most. My fears, my reluctance to trust were minimal when compared to hers. So afraid we could not accept her for who she was, she was blinded to the light of realization. We saw her. She didn't see us, and didn't believe our love for her would withstand honesty, when all we ever needed was honesty from her.

So much love, and it's overwhelming to not be able to give it to her now. I channel it into creative energy. I give even more love to him. He has been my one true thing for nearly eleven years. I know he is there for me, and I know he needs me to be there for him. His love is my anchor, and I hope I can give him this comfort and peace when all the world is in chaos around us.

Our open ended break up left me with hope, as is evidenced by the song posted above. I listened to that song nearly every day until Saturday, when the door closed tightly to hope for Us in the future.


The anger comes in waves, and is met with sadness that seems infinite. The tears burn my eyes and wet my pillow as I cry myself to sleep, remembering how she'd grab hold of my hand and wrap my arm around herself when she came to bed after working at night. I move closer to him, and find comfort in that... yet even while comforted, the vast empty space she once occupied seems to mock me. Sheets cool that once were warmed by her sweet sleep are mine for the taking... but I do not want that space. I want the middle, and never again shall I have it.

Day 36

Removed for personal reasons

Day 35

Removed for personal reasons.

Day 34

Sometimes, I just want to scream. That's all.

The End.