Day 42

I have not seen her since around 1:00 on Saturday. Almost 48 hours. I haven't gone this long without seeing her since May. Her absence is palpable. It is a weight on my chest that does not seem to lessen, but rather increases with the passing hours since our final hug goodbye.

How can a decision that was right feel so utterly and completely wrong? How can I know that to be with her now would be a mistake - for all of us - when to not be with her feels like the worst thing ever to happen? When did love become an oxymoron?

I have never been the grounded one. I dream as much as one can while still existing in the real world. I'm the emotional one. I am rarely the purely rational one. I am rarely the one to see things so clearly, and know the decision to be made. I work through these things, but it is almost always a challenge for my creative, passionate, emotional mind to take that turn to rational, clear headed and logical. I am in the logical role for the first time, and it's utterly illogical. My feet are as firmly planted on the ground as they can be, and I long for the clouds. I do not want to be pragmatic. I do not want to be "right." I do not want to limited by rational thought.

I want to let the happiest memories cloud my judgment. I want to soar into love blindly, and forget that it isn't the right choice. It feels so right... the love. Being apart is what is wrong. So my irrational mind, clouded by loss and aching with love tells me.

To love someone so much you must let go is a cruel reality. It does not feel kind or fair or just. It feels cruel and cold and vicious. It is not the first time I've lived through letting go of someone I loved. The last time, though, we came back together... and are together still, ten years later. It was right to let him go, just as it is right to let her go.

I never forget the stupid Scholastic Book Club poster that hung in my elementary school's office. There was a baby deer and the cliched quote, "if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be."

I know there's no coming back this time, and yet this reality is not one I want to live in. I am struck by two other quotes.

"Love the life you have, not the one you want." ~Unknown

I love the life I have... I love Colorado. I love my adorable dogs. I love my amazing husband and the bond that we share that defies explanation. I am trying to remember all of these things as I mourn the loss of the only woman I've ever loved.

"You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if you are not a part of that happiness."
~Unknown

I do want her to be happy. I hope she is able to find what she needs. I know she is hurting now, though I do not pretend to know what her pain feels like. I just want something good to come from this freedom we've given her.

I love her. I believe I will forever, on some level. The six months during which she was mine (ours) will be etched forever on my psyche. She is an amazing person... and I want her to believe that, to see that.

I dream of her. I dream of her free and happy and whole... and hope she realizes her own dreams.