Day 40

I love Pandora. I don't know what I did before I had it. I usually listen to the Sara Bareilles station. So, that's what I have on. I hear first this song (which I like, but is highly repetitive, so I didn't post all of it, just the critical parts). 

("Be Okay" by Ingrid Michaelson) 

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

(There's a line "I just wanna feel today," which I left out because I'd actually prefer some numbness today.)

That song is followed by The Wreckers "Leave The Pieces." Relevant bits below. 

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

Now you can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry about this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road

And I think, omg... how does Pandora know I'm going through a breakup? And this is the worst breakup of my life. Worse even than the ones I had with my husband early on, because he and knew we'd wind up together. Saying goodbye to her, I know is forever. We'll try to be friends. I just don't know how long that lasts, or what that looks like. I've never really been friends successfully with an ex.

In romantic relationships, you open doors that stay closed to friends. You take down walls you can never truly rebuild. Boundaries are penetrated that don't allow for a return to Before. However, this relationship has defied all the "rules," so who knows? When she meets someone new, I don't think I'll be able to handle it. We'll see, I guess.

So, as I'm sitting here with tears streaming down myself (because I was already sorting pictures of her and putting them in a folder that's not so easily accessible... call it the "Dean Box (Gilmore Girls)" on my hard drive. My emotions run the gamut, and mingle in ways emotions never should. It's an odd sensation, yet not one I'm unfamiliar with, seeing as how I tend to be this way.

I'm "sun and rain." I'm "fire and ice." This side of me "needs no explanation" because "it all makes perfect sense."  Apparently, I am good at being "on both sides of the fence."

Colbie Caillat comes on Pandora. She's singing "Got Me." 

I suddenly realize that I will be just fine. I will hurt. I will rage. I will continue to feel fire and ice where this breakup is concerned. But I am with him, and forever will be... until the end of time (ours). I listen to "Got Me," which I'd never heard before, and realize that in some ways it chronicles my relationship with my husband.

You're stuck on me and my laughing eyes
I can't pretend though I try to hide - I like you
I like you.

I think I felt my heart skip a beat
I'm standing here and I can hardly breathe - you got me
You got me.

The way you take my hand is just so sweet
And that crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet

Oh, I just can't get enough
I'm a stoup I need to fill me up.
It feels so good it must be love
It's everything that I've been dreaming of.
I give up. I give in. I let go. Lets begin.
Cuz no matter what I do,
Oh (oh) my heart is filled with you.

I can't imagine what it'd be like
Livin everyday in this life - without you.
Without you.
One look from you I know you understand
This mess we're in you know is just so out of hand.

Oh, I just can't get enough
I'm a stoup I need to fill me up.
It feels so good it must be love
It's everything that I've been dreaming of.
I give up. I give in. I let go. Lets begin.
Cuz no matter what I do,

Oh, I just can't get enough
I'm a stoup I need to fill me up.
It feels so good it must be love
It's everything that I've been dreaming of.
I give up. I give in. I let go. Lets begin.
Cuz no matter what I do,
Oh (oh) my heart is filled with you.

Oh (oh)
You got me. You got me.
Oh (oh)
You got me. You got me.

From the beginning when I (we) both tried to fight something bigger than either of us, until the point at which we realized that we were meant to be... and he does have me. He will always, just as I know I will always have him. 

I've been fond of saying that as long as I have him in my life, I can never be truly unhappy. This doesn't mitigate the loss of her, or take away anything from what I shared with her, what we shared with her... but what it does do is make me recognize that once the pieces are left behind, I can clean them up just fine. I don't have to do it alone, either. I have this amazing man who loves me and who understands (all too well) what I am going through, and we can hold tightly to one another as we put this chapter of our lives in the past... and we can look back on the good parts, and someday, given time, maybe those will be all we look back on. At some point, maybe it won't hurt quite so badly. 

Even if it does, even if it hurts forever, I can't be unhappy. It was an experience I shared with the most important person in my life. He and I took this unconventional, unexpected and frequently beautiful journey together - and anywhere I go with him is right. 

"Love is never wrong. Whether it's for the moment, or forever... but you can't get to forever without taking the moment." ~ Nora Roberts, Bed Of Roses